Once You've Loved Somebody
by Miss Higher Power
Summary: Sometimes love is with you for a little while, and sometimes it waits your whole life for you.


Author's Note: Everything I know about the Navy I learned from NCIS and JAG, so any inaccuracies are mine. I simply wanted to convey a feeling.

* * *

Rachel finds out she's pregnant a month before graduation. She doesn't quite know what to say or do. So she doesn't do anything. The weight of it sits on her shoulders.

* * *

She tells Noah a week later. He's the first person she tells.

"You're not leaving him, are you?" He asks.

"I can't." She tells him quietly.

"You could. It won't matter to me. I'll love that baby like it's mine."

"I can't do what she did." He doesn't know if she's talking about Finn or him. Rachel doesn't know either. She doesn't even know who she's protecting anymore - Noah, Finn, the baby, herself. She doesn't think it even matters.

They sit on the bleachers for the entire lunch break. When the bell rings and she goes to leave, he grabs her hand. She doesn't turn back, just stands there letting Noah hold her wrist, feeling his warmth seep into her skin.

"We really could've been something."

"I know." She whispers before she leaves.

* * *

Rachel tells Finn the same afternoon. She has to give him credit. He doesn't ask, even though he's dying to, if it's his. He believes her absolutely. In some ways, his trust breaks her heart even more than Noah's stoic heartbreak.

He holds her and tells her it will all work out. He'll take care of her.

She believes him.

* * *

They tell their parents together.

Her dads take it very well, even though they can see all of their baby's dreams disappearing like wisps of smoke.

Finn's mom and stepdad want to make sure that Finn has a solid grasp on the mechanics of reproduction. Rachel chokes back a half-sob, half-laugh at that. Finn turns bright red. All Finn's mom can say is that after last time she just needs to make sure.

* * *

The week before graduation, Finn tells Rachel his great plan. In typical Finn fashion, he's only partially thought the plan through before he starts acting on it.

He's enlisted in the Navy. They'll still need help, but it's the best way he can think of to take care of his family. It's what his dad did.

Rachel is still reeling from the shock of his announcement and can hardly form a coherent thought when he gets down on one knee and asks her to marry him. He tells her they might have to put her dreams on hold for a while, but he'll do his best to make them come true.

She says yes.

* * *

Finn's mom is absolutely devastated that Finn has enlisted. All she can picture is an urn.

Kurt is the one that immediately latches on to the fact that he's going to get to plan a wedding. Rachel thinks he looks almost as devastated when they tell him they're planning to get married at the court house.

* * *

They tell their friends at Mercedes and Quinn's graduation party.

There's an awkward pause where no one says anything before Mike claps Finn on the shoulder and gives his congratulations.

She's lost in a sea of hugs, but then she's in Noah's arms. Rachel wishes she could stay there forever.

"My offer's always on the table." He whispers in her ear before releasing her.

He moves to Finn and gives him a hug. "You take care of my best friend, or you'll be answering to me, you moron."

"She's in good hands, buddy." Rachel thinks it's nice that they've managed to salvage their friendship. It's one of the things she's trying to protect. Finn's going to need all the friends he can get.

* * *

They get married on a Wednesday afternoon at the courthouse in Lima. Despite their protests, the entire glee club shows up.

Rachel wears the gold dress she was wearing when Finn first told her he loved her. She thinks if she can hold on to that feeling, she'll remember why she's doing this.

Kurt stands for Finn and Noah stands for her. Santana and Quinn get a huge kick out of calling him the maid of honour.

Before her dads walk her down the aisle, she tells Noah that he doesn't have to do this. She can find someone else to be her witness. He tells her that just because they can't be together the way he wants doesn't mean he's stopped being her friend.

She wonders if she's making the right decision. It's not the first time she thinks it, and it won't be the last.

* * *

Finn heads off to boot camp in Illinois in mid-July. He'll be going to "A" school in Norfolk, Virginia, but they decide that Rachel will stay in Lima until after he's finished. When they know where he's going to be posted, Rachel will join him. Hopefully, they'll be together before the baby is born.

Rachel takes a job at a music studio in downtown Lima. Noah, who had decided to take a year off before going to college, takes a job as a handyman.

Life doesn't really change for either of them. In some ways it's better than it was before. They spend all of their time together, and she never has to leave to be with Finn. In some ways it's worse, because he knows that eventually she'll be leaving for good.

* * *

Rachel has a never ending rotation of people who come to visit her and go with her to appointments. Her dads, the Hummels, and glee club all want to be as involved as possible. Her dads, the Hummels, Noah and Santana all go to the doctor with her the first time she hears her baby's heartbeat.

Santana and Carole are both so overcome by emotion that for a minute Rachel barely recognizes them. Her dads can barely contain their joy. She can't place the look on Noah's face. They lock eyes for a minute before he starts taking pictures. He's been documenting everything for Finn. Pictures are the best way for him.

Rachel makes a recording of the heartbeat for Finn.

* * *

Rachel goes to Chicago in the middle of September to see Finn before he goes to Norfolk.

He's still Finn. He fusses over her and gets teary-eyed when he hears the baby's heartbeat and sees the scans.

But in other ways he's not Finn at all. He's more confident and sure of himself. He carries himself differently. She can see how committed he is to this life that he's chosen. She can see it in the friendships he's made.

He'll be going to Norfolk with at least two of his classmates.

The weekend is too short. She doesn't realize that interludes like this one will define her marriage.

* * *

It seems like everyone is busy when Rachel goes for her ultrasound to find out the sex of the baby. Everyone except Noah.

Noah holds her hand while they look at the screen. For a minute she lets herself live the fantasy. There is no Finn, only Rachel and Noah and this beautiful baby. But then the doctor hands her the scan and she sees the name Hudson in the corner and her fantasy is gone.

* * *

Rachel goes to Norfolk to visit Finn and tell him the good news. She needs to be close to him. She needs to remember who she married and why she married him. He needs to know about their son.

* * *

Rachel buys Noah a camera for Hanukah. The pictures he's been taking for Finn have been beautiful, and she wants to encourage his talent. It's the only gift she splurges on this year. She can't shop away her guilt, but she can try. She knows he'll need something to hold onto when she leaves.

* * *

When they get the word that Finn's first duty assignment will be the USS Seahawk based out of Norfolk, Rachel wants to go to look at housing immediately. The only way Finn will let her come to Norfolk this far into her pregnancy is if someone drives out with her. Noah volunteers.

He's trying to draw out every last minute that he has with her. He takes his camera, and when Finn and Rachel are figuring out their living situation, he takes pictures.

* * *

The eleven hour trip to Norfolk was spread over two days because of Rachel's need to stop at every available rest stop to either pee or eat and she's too uncomfortable to sit in the car for too long. The trip back is spread over three days and takes them to D.C. Rachel thinks that they can't possibly pass up the opportunity to be in Washington during the inauguration.

They stand nearly all morning hoping to catch a glimpse of the president. Rachel's back is killing her.

* * *

By the time Noah can see the signs for Pittsburgh, he knows that if he doesn't get her to a hospital soon, she's going to have her baby in his truck.

* * *

David James Hudson is born in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, on January 22, 2013.

He's gorgeous and perfect, and Rachel can't quite believe that he's here and that she's someone's mother.

She's exhausted, and she can't wait for her dads to get here. At least she has Noah.

"Any regrets?" he asks her as he holds her tiny bundle of joy.

"Just that Finn couldn't be here." She tells him. _And that you aren't his father._ She doesn't say it, but she thinks he knows anyway.

* * *

All of her heartbreak and all of Noah's heartbreak seems worth it when she sees how much Finn loves their son. The first time Finn holds Davey, Rachel is filled with a sense of rightness so strong and so powerful that she cries. She blames it on hormones.

* * *

That feeling doesn't last for long after she and Davey make the move to Norfolk. Rachel cries almost every day. She's so homesick she can only manage to take care of Davey. Sometimes she doesn't even seem to be managing that.

Finn doesn't know what to do. He knew it would be hard on Rachel, but he never imagined it would be this hard.

* * *

Slowly, gradually, Rachel starts to meet people.

There's Elle who lives three doors down. She has three girls, all in school, but she became a Navy wife the same way Rachel did.

Sam is, ironically, a dad from the Moms & Tots class she goes to with Davey. His daughter, Alexis, is only a few weeks older than Davey.

Allie is the wife of one of Finn's fellow sailors.

They're good people, and they have the potential to be good friends.

But Rachel misses her old friends - Kurt, Santana, Quinn, the rest of her glee friends.

She misses Noah.

* * *

Since Rachel left Lima, Noah has been roaming the country. He bought a motorbike, fixed it up and he's just been driving around the country taking pictures and playing his guitar, taking odd construction jobs to make money.

When Finn asks him to visit at Thanksgiving to cheer up Rachel, Noah packs his stuff and heads out.

No matter how much it hurts, he'll always go when she needs him.

* * *

He arrives in the middle of the day. Finn's had a pass set aside for him at the gate. He drives up the street looking for her house. He can see all the Gladys Kravitzes getting their noses bent out of shape about his bike, but he doesn't care. He's spotted Rachel.

She's sitting on her porch in the unseasonable warmth (at least it's unseasonably warm to a native Ohioan) with Davey in her lap, talking to a woman in her mid-thirties.

He knows Rachel doesn't know what to think when he pulls up in front of her house. The minute he takes his helmet off, he hears her gasp.

"Noah!" She's down the walkway and in his arms before he's gone two steps.

"Rach." He pulls her into a bear hug, trying not to squish Davey in the process. He hugs her for a good minute before letting her go and taking Davey. "Come to Uncle Puck, big guy."

"I'm so happy you're here." She tells him.

* * *

Noah stays for a week and Rachel feels like she's on cloud nine all the way into the New Year, when two things happen to bring her back to earth.

The Seahawk gets deployed, and Rachel discovers she's pregnant.

Finn's excited about both. Rachel is devastated about both. She feels like she's barely breathing some days.

* * *

Noah leases an apartment in Manassas. Kurt and Santana make the trip from New York to Norfolk as often as possible. Carole and her dads practically live in her house when they can get time off from work.

Rachel throws herself into life on base. She sees other women do it. Maybe if she's busy enough she'll forget how unhappy she is.

* * *

Finn is home on liberty for the birth of their second baby. Thomas Noah Hudson is just as perfect as his big brother. Rachel suddenly can't remember why she didn't want a second baby.

She remembers when Finn tells her he's thinking about SEAL training. She has two babies under two and she never sees her husband. She may have married him, but he married the Navy.

* * *

Davey is two and Tommy is eight months when they make the move to Coronado. By the time Finn finishes SEAL training, Davey will be almost five and Tommy will be three, and they'll have spent less than half of their five year marriage together. She knows she'll see him, but he won't be an active part of their everyday lives.

The move to Coronado isn't the worst thing that's ever happened to them though. They're close to Quinn and Mercedes, both at UC San Diego. Rachel enrolls in part-time courses in the hopes of maybe getting a degree some day.

* * *

Noah visits when he can. His photography has turned into something that makes him a little money. His life is very much the same as it has been for the last few years, but now photography pays the bills sometimes.

Her boys love Noah. A visit from Uncle Puck is almost as good as having Daddy at home, Davey tells her once.

She cries for days after that. Maybe a visit from Uncle Finn every once in a while would have been okay.

* * *

Finn is assigned to a SEAL team in Rota, Spain, as soon as he finishes SEAL training. Rachel doesn't let her thoughts linger on what she's leaving behind. She's grown used to the fact that she'll always be leaving something behind.

Rachel loves Spain. The weather is always wonderful. She loves the language and the people. She has a never ending stream of visitors looking for a free vacation in Spain. She hasn't been this close to her glee friends since high school.

As close as the SEALs are, their wives are even closer in their own way. She has a fantastic group of women that understand her life and the choices she makes. Her children have friends.

Rachel decides to finish her arts degree through the American University.

She finally feels like her life is going the right way.

* * *

Rachel has always known that Noah wasn't living his life like a monk. Neither was she. She does have two children. But when Santana mentions that Puck has a pretty serious girlfriend, Rachel's heart breaks just a little. She knows that there's no chance for them, but she liked her life a little bit too much when he was always there for her.

So when Finn broaches the topic of another baby, she says yes.

* * *

Davey is six and Tommy is five when Caitlyn Anne is born. Of all her children's births, this is her favourite. She loves all of her children, but with the addition of Katie, they finally feel like a family.

Maybe all she really needed was time and space. Maybe hanging on to Noah was her mistake.

* * *

Santana and Noah show up when Katie is barely two weeks old, and it's like she didn't know she wasn't breathing. Noah is like oxygen to her lungs.

Santana is opening up an office of her father's marketing firm in Madrid and Noah is coming on board as art director. They thought they'd come and spend some time with the Hudsons before they really get started on the new office.

Santana and Finn take the boys to the park one afternoon, to give Rachel and Noah some time together to catch up.

Noah admits that he was seeing a woman, but it wasn't anything serious. Nothing will ever be serious, he tells her, not when he's in love with her.

Katie's cry is the only thing that stops her from kissing him. In seven years, this is the closest she's ever been to breaking her marriage vows.

* * *

Finn is gone more than he's around, but she's come to the realization that mostly she doesn't miss him. They used to fight all the time when he was home, which wasn't often. Now she lets him enjoy his time with the kids. She's seen the marriages of other SEALs disintegrate and fade away. She thinks that the reason their marriage has lasted so long is that she's accepted that her life is what it is. She married Finn for very specific reasons. All of those reasons are still valid. She has even more reason to hang onto them now.

Davey is 12, Tommy is 11 and Katie is 6 by the time Rachel finishes her degree. Life has taken over and gotten away from her. She's spent the last six years enjoying motherhood in a way that she didn't when they lived in the States.

She's also done some consulting work for Santana's firm. It turns out her impressive vocabulary is good for more than just irritating her friends. Santana convinces her to get her masters in communications. It will open doors and if she decides she wants to pursue her career full time, Santana can always find a spot for her.

* * *

Davey is 16, Tommy is 15 and Katie is 10 when they get posted back to the States. Part of Rachel is shattered, but the other part of her knew that it was coming. Twelve years in one place was a gift. Finn is going to be commanding his own team out of Newport, Rhode Island.

She's looking at it as another adventure. Davey and Tommy barely remember living in the States. Katie has never lived there. To them, Spain is home and the States is a place they go to visit Grandma and Grandpa and Pops and Poppy and aunts and uncles.

Her main goal is to get the kids transitioned properly. She's too focused on her kids to spend much time thinking about what she's leaving in Spain.

* * *

Newport is beautiful. It's the quintessential New England town. They buy their first house off base. It's not huge but it's gorgeous and it's theirs. The kids each have their own bedroom, which is something that Davey and Tommy have never had.

Davey takes to life in Rhode Island like a duck to water. He's so much like his dad sometimes that it takes Rachel's breath away.

Tommy and Katie are slower to acclimate. Where Davey is outgoing and popular, Tommy and Katie are quieter and more reserved, a little bit shy. She knows Tommy will be fine once school starts and he joins some activities. She hopes the same will be true for Katie.

* * *

Rachel misses Santana and Noah every day. Santana has become one of her very closest friends, something she never pictured happening. She misses having a girlfriend that knows (almost) everything about you and your life. She's made friends here, both on base and off, but it's not the same.

Their long distance phone bill is ridiculous because she and Santana talk every other day.

Noah hasn't been to see them since they moved to Newport over a year ago. It's the longest she's gone without seeing him since Katie was born. The difference is that she thought then that her feelings for Noah would diminish with time away from him. She knows now that that's not true.

She thinks he's finally moving on. And he should. She's been far too selfish for far too long. He should find a nice girl and settle down and forget about her and how awful she is.

* * *

Her house feels so empty. She has two babies away at college. She doesn't feel old enough to be anyone's mother, let alone the mother of college students.

Davey is studying computer programming at the University of Georgia, and Tommy is studying business at the University of Maine. Katie is a freshman in high school.

Rachel spends most of her days doing consulting work for Santana and taking care of the wives of the husband's under Finn's command and wondering what happened to her life.

* * *

Rachel has seen it too many times to not know what's happening when it happens to her.

When you live on base, the generic car driving down the street stops life in its tracks. Every woman on the street wondering which house the car will stop in front, praying to anyone who will listen that it's not their house. She can remember every time it's happened and every family that was devastated by the news it brought.

So when the generic car drives down her beautiful residential street, Rachel knows it's her family that's going to be devastated.

* * *

Within hours of receiving the news, she has wives from base in her house taking care of everything. Her fridge is overflowing. Someone has called everyone in Rachel's address book and someone else has called the school to let them know that Katie will be collected shortly by Rachel.

She's dreading breaking the news to her kids, especially when she can barely wrap her head around it. Quinn is going to fly to Georgia to bring Davey home, and Kurt is bringing Tommy home. It doesn't make up for the fact that she has to tell them over the phone.

All Rachel can think about is all of the things Finn will miss: Katie's high school graduation, college graduations, weddings, grandchildren.

And she thinks about all the things he would have had and all the things his life would have been if she had let him go. She can't help but think that it's all her fault, that she's ruined everyone's life.

* * *

Finn has a full military funeral. She sits in her black dress with Davey next to her. Tommy sits between Davey and Katie, holding Katie's hand. Carole sits on the other side of Katie, with Burt and Kurt behind her. Rachel's dads stand immediately behind her. All of their glee club friends are there, including Mr. and Mrs. Schuester, along with about 20 SEALs that Finn has worked with over the years.

Rachel manages to remain completely calm until they hand her the flag. In fact, she hasn't cried at all until this point. She got a little misty when she told each of the kids, but she hasn't truly cried. But when they hand her that flag, she thinks that maybe she's never really, truly cried in her entire life. She doesn't stop crying for almost two days.

* * *

Before every mission, Finn created recordings for all the people he cared about: his friends, his mom, his brother, his kids, his wife.

Once she's talked to JAG and NCIS, and dealt with the lawyers, and the funeral is over and the will has been read and everyone has gone home, she sends the DVDs on to the right people.

Burt calls her to tell her that it made Carole smile for the first time in days and that she had gone to bed without crying. It makes Rachel smile.

She sits with her kids while they listen to their dad tell them that having them and loving them was one of the greatest gifts in his life. He passes on some advice to each of them. He tells Davey that life isn't a race, that he should slow down and enjoy it because where he's going will still be there when he gets there. He tells Tommy to continue living his life the way he's been going because nice guys never finish last. He tells Katie to love wisely and to pick someone who deserves her, even though he doesn't think anyone ever will.

Finn made a generic recording for his glee friends. So she sends copies to each one of them, but there are special messages for Quinn, Santana, Kurt, and Noah. She sends those along as well.

She can't bear to watch hers.

* * *

Six months after Finn's death, Carole comes to visit. The boys are home from school for the summer and Katie will be finished in a few weeks.

Katie's gone to bed and the boys are out with their friends at a party. She and Carole have just finished cleaning up from dinner and are sitting down with some wine when Carole asks her if she's watched her message from Finn. Rachel would love to lie, but she can't lie to this woman who's just lost her son.

"I…I can't." She admits.

"He said you wouldn't. He asked me to make sure you watch it, sweetheart. He said it's important."

* * *

She waits until September to watch it. The boys are back at college and Katie's at school for the day. She pours herself a glass of wine and climbs into her huge bed and turns the DVD on.

Finn fills the screen, and the tears threaten to spill.

"Hey, Rach. It's me, Finn. I guess that's pretty obvious." He chuckles and then his face turns serious. "If you're watching this, then I'm not with you guys anymore. And knowing you, it's probably been a while. But that's not important. What's important is that you're watching it now.

"Rach, I loved you more than I ever loved anything in my whole life. More than I loved the Navy, even though it probably didn't seem like it most of the time. And I loved you more than I loved the kids, even though I loved them a whole damn lot. But you, I've loved you for, god, I've loved you for over 20 years and I wouldn't take a minute of it back. And I know that you loved me, too. Even if it wasn't the way I loved you.

"The day you told me you were pregnant with Dave, I was sure you were coming to break up with me. And I think if you hadn't been pregnant you would've. And I want to thank you for staying with me, even though you loved him. Because I know you could've left me and taken Dave and lived your life with Puck. And maybe you wouldn't've been so damn guilty all these years. And I'm so sorry for that, because you never needed to feel guilty. I knew what I was doing when I asked you to marry me, and I'm the one that should feel guilty. Because I could've let you go. I could've let you go and I still would've seen Dave. I know you. You would've let me see him and we both could've been happy. But I was selfish. I wanted you too much and I wanted Dave too much. And part of me will never feel guilty because I love you, and I love Dave, and I love Tommy and Katie, and if I hadn't been selfish I wouldn't have had any of this life that we've lived. And that I don't regret.

"But I do regret making you so unhappy. Because I've known how guilty you've felt. Guilty for thinking that you didn't love me enough, and guilty for loving Puck too much. But Rachel, it's time to stop torturing yourself. Be reckless for a while. Live your dream. Go to Spain, Rachel. Don't be afraid.

"Just remember that I loved you first." He chuckles one last time and the message cuts off. Rachel has tears running down her face. For the first time, she realizes that Noah might be the love of her life, but she truly did love this man that she was married to. She loved him in a way that she won't ever love anybody else.

* * *

Her dad agrees to stay with Katie. Two days later, her flight leaves Providence just before one in the afternoon. She flies through Chicago and Dublin and arrives in Madrid just before eight at night.

It's almost 10 pm before she arrives at his apartment. She's been completely confident up until this point. She's finally free, but what if he doesn't want her? What if after all this time he's realized she's not worth it? Who waits almost 25 years for a girl they kissed a few times in high school, even if that girl was your best friend?

She's just started her rental car back up, when she hears the chords of a familiar song start on the radio. When 'Faithfully' begins to play, she knows it's a message from Finn. _Don't chicken out, Rachel._

There's a light on in his apartment and she can hear music, but when she knocks, no one answers. She stands there for a full five minutes before realizing that she hadn't thought any farther ahead than getting to Noah. She's about to knock again when the door swings open to reveal Noah putting on his leather jacket.

"Rachel? What are you doing here?" He opens the door wider, but Rachel stays in the hallway.

"You're going out. I…I should have called." She stammers backing down the hallway.

"Rach, wait. I'm just going for coffee. I've been working in my dark room and I need something to keep me awake. Come with me." He locks his apartment door. When he reaches her in the hallway, he loops her arm through his and leads her out of the building and down the street to a café.

They order coffee and find a table in the corner.

"What are you doing here, Rach?"

"I watched Finn's video. The one he left for me when he…" She can't say it, and from the look that Noah has, he has trouble with the concept too. "He knew about us."

"Yeah." Noah looks down at his cup of coffee. "Yeah, he told me in his video."

"Why didn't you say something?" She asked quietly.

"What was I supposed to say, Rachel? He died, and I'm a jackass, but I couldn't get on a plane and steal his widow. It would've hurt everybody. You, your kids, his mom, Kurt. I just couldn't do it."

"Why didn't you ever move on, Noah?"

"I tried. A couple times I got close, but then Finn would call and tell me that you needed me, and I could never turn you down."

"I'm so sorry."

"Don't be sorry, Rach. I'm not. I made my choices. You think my life would've turned out like this if I hadn't loved you. I live in fucking Spain, Rachel. I'm a corporate executive making more money than I know what to do with. My pictures sell in art shows all over the world. If I didn't love you, I'd have gone to college in Ohio and I probably never would've left. I'd have lived my life in Cincinnati or Cleveland and I never would've made anything of myself, Rach. So stop feeling so damn guilty. You're still a total drama queen." That makes Rachel giggle and suddenly everything is lighter.

"I still love you, Noah. And I don't want to pretend that I don't love you anymore."

"Then don't." And then he's kissing her and she finally feels like her for the first time in a long time.

* * *

It doesn't happen overnight, but a long distance relationship is nothing to lovers who have been separated for over 20 years.

Her dads cry when she finally tells them the whole story. They think it sounds like a Lifetime movie.

She dreads telling Carole, but surprisingly Carole is just happy for her. She knows what it's like to have a hole in your heart where your soulmate is supposed to be.

Katie and Tommy don't seem surprised at all, and part of her wonders if maybe they knew all along.

Dave and Kurt don't understand at first. It takes them a while, but eventually they come around.

Some of their glee friends are shocked, but the ones that are closest to them (Quinn, Santana, Mike) can't believe it took them this long.

* * *

When Katie graduates from high school, Rachel packs up her house and sells it. She doesn't need it anymore. Dave is married to a wonderful girl, and they live in Washington, D.C. Tommy is doing his MBA at UNC. Katie has been accepted to Cambridge. And Rachel is moving to Madrid.


End file.
